Supporting Your Partner in Their Mental Health Journey

In our relationships, it’s inevitable with the ebbs and flows of life that we will hit rocky moments. One of these common struggles is when the person we love is facing mental health difficulties. While we choose our partner, we don’t get to choose their inner journey and struggles – which may leave us feeling helpless. This is a journey that requires patience, understanding, and compassion. 

As a psychologist and couples therapist, I've walked alongside many couples navigating these challenging paths. I remind couples that it’s not if you struggle, it’s when, appreciating that pain and hardship are inevitable. Given so much that we talk about here in this community is about healthy relationships, here are some ways you can support your partner in their obstacles, while also taking care of you. 

Educate Yourself

The first step in supporting your partner is to educate yourself about their specific mental health struggles. This will help you better understand their experiences, how their mental health affects them, and what kind of support they need. Researching about their condition, attending support groups or speaking to mental health professionals can provide you with useful insights.

I remind couples to approach this education from a few different angles. First, research and read up on their specific struggle. This will give you a broad overview. Second, ask your partner to describe what it’s like to be them. While you might read that anxiety disorders experience muscle tension, not everyone experiences this symptom. Finally, don’t use the information that you gathered to pontificate to them. The education is meant to help you be informed, not to play arm-chair psychologist.

For a limited time, I'm excited to be part of The Mental Health Bundle for Mental Health Awareness Month. Packed with tools to help you and your partner navigate your mental wellness, you can grab it for just $50USD. You'll learn tools to conquer anxiety and depression, release stress and trauma, build self-esteem and self-love, build resilience and cultivate healthy habits, and so much more. 

Listen Without Judgment or Problem Solving

One of the most important things you can do for your partner is to listen to them without judgment or the urge to problem solve. Here is a tip I give to my clients: Your partner already knows the solution, but is struggling to take the next step. We are really good problem solvers - what we need more of is to be seen and validated. 

It's essential to allow space for your partner to express themselves and their feelings openly, without interrupting or trying to fix things. Sometimes, all that's needed is someone to listen and empathize.

Try these scripts next time you feel yourself pulled to judgment or fixing:

• “This sounds really hard. What’s the part you struggle with the most?”
• “I’m here for you. I see you struggling.”
• “You’re trying your best, and you’re still having a hard time.”

Be Patient and Supportive

Mental health recovery can be a slow process. Remember that people didn’t wake up one day with these symptoms, but instead experience a slow build over time into depression or anxiety. For this reason, it's essential to be patient and supportive with your partner. Encourage them to take things one day at a time and celebrate their small successes. Let them know that you're there for them, no matter what.

I’m often talking about the stages of change with clients, which can be helpful to see where people are. While you’re not playing therapist with your partner, you can learn to see that change doesn’t happen overnight. It also doesn’t happen just because you take initiative to do something about it. (I’ll talk more about a supportive environment in the boundaries section below). Be sure to prioritize open communication and create a space where they can share their feelings without fear of judgment, especially if they’re struggling to complete tasks they said they would do.

Show Empathy and Encouragement

Empathy and encouragement can be powerful tools for supporting your partner. Let them know how much you care for them, and how proud you are of them for taking steps towards recovery. Offer words of affirmation that you see their efforts, and let them know that you're on their side.

When clients tell me they don’t feel supported by their partner, it’s often due to receiving sympathy instead of empathy. These sound like “I’m sorry for your struggles” or “You’re so strong.” Sympathy has good intentions, but is often about alleviating the painful experience you have from witnessing your loved one. Let’s be real - empathy can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re not familiar with it. But empathy leads to connection, and connection is healing for everyone.

Avoid Taking Things Personally

Mental health struggles can manifest in ways that might seem directed at you—irritability, withdrawal, or anger. The forgotten dish on the counter sends your partner into a moment of rage. The noise from the kids leads your partner to be tense and short. Perhaps they express a desire to just stay on the couch alone. All of these things may be a reflection of their struggle.

In relationships, we’re really good at taking things personally. Instead, we want to be able to practice differentiation, a skill we often don’t learn in childhood, and a topic I cover in detail in my first book. Remind yourself that these behaviors are symptoms of the mental health difficulty, not reflections of your partner's feelings toward you. A good mantra can help you depersonalize their struggle, like “this isn’t about me” or practicing two truths “they’re having a hard time and they love me.”

Build Healthy Boundaries

This leads to my next offering, because it is never okay for someone to “take out” their feelings on you, so I’m going to flip the two truths to support you as well. “It’s okay for my partner to have a hard time and they can still be respectful.” 

Supporting your partner doesn't mean accepting disrespectful behavior, refusing participation in the family, or neglecting your own well-being. 

One client I worked with was a new mother to a six-month-old, while her husband was struggling with postpartum depression. (One in ten men will struggle with depression after the birth of their child). She frequently expressed her own feelings of overwhelm in therapy, but felt she couldn’t rely on her husband, allowing him to “just lay on the couch” everyday after work. I challenged her to continue to hold her boundary with her husband, as depression is not an excuse to not engage in life. (This engagement is actually what is needed to help cope with depression!) My client found a way to support her husband and hold her boundaries, lovingly expressing to him that she needed him to care for their child for 30 minutes after work while she did her own self-care.

Establish boundaries that allow you to maintain your health—both mental and physical. It's okay to take time for yourself, to say no when you're overwhelmed, and to seek your own support system. Ensure that you are engaging in your own self-care, as flight attendants always remind passengers to “put on their own mask before assisting another.” You are allowed to experience joy at the same time your partner is struggling.

Encourage Professional Help

While you are a vital piece of their support system, it's also essential to encourage your partner to seek professional help. Professional help can include therapy, counseling, or medication that can help them manage their symptoms. One of the best examples of supporting your partner is by offering to make an appointment for them. One client shared with me that she was crying in her laundry room one night, telling her husband it was time he made an appointment for her. He didn’t question her, but instead hugged her and found her a therapist appointment the next day.

If your partner is struggling to attend therapy, be sure to listen to my podcast episode on how to talk about therapy with them. (iTunes and Spotify)

Mental health struggles can be challenging to navigate, but with patience, education, and support, you can help your partner cope.

While we’re often looking to the future, don’t forget to celebrate the small victories. Whether it's a day when your partner feels a bit better or a moment of laughter amidst the hardship, acknowledging these instances can foster hope and strengthen your bond.

Remember that recovery is possible, and there is always hope. If you or your partner need additional support, don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional for help.