“I Just Wanted to Be Seen”: What Mothers Really Need on Mother’s Day

Kate, like so many new mothers, told me that Mother’s Day has always been about her mom and her mother-in-law. This year was no different—despite it being her very first Mother’s Day with a four-month-old, she was told what time to arrive, what was planned, and where to be. No one asked her what she wanted.

Similarly, Alissa imagined the day differently. In her mind, Mother’s Day would mean sleeping in, breakfast in bed, and maybe a moment of stillness to breathe. But instead, she’ll be chasing two toddlers around a busy restaurant during the annual extended family brunch. What she really wants? Ten quiet minutes alone.

For many women, Mother’s Day doesn’t feel like a celebration—it feels like a series of obligations and let downs. And while it’s often dismissed as a “Hallmark holiday,” the day carries weight. Because deep down, mothers want to feel recognized and appreciated. Instead, what they often feel is disappointed, triangulated, and exhausted from managing everyone else’s expectations.

Recently, I asked my community to share their experiences around Mother’s Day—and the stories poured in. They echoed the same dynamics I’ve seen in my therapy room for nearly two decades. But this time, something new stood out:

A collective shift. A desire to stop people-pleasing and start honoring their own needs.

This change isn’t about cutting others out—it’s about co-creating something different. Something fairer. Something more reflective of the reality of motherhood today. Here are four powerful shifts that are helping women reclaim Mother’s Day in a way that actually feels good.

1. Grandparent Day is in September. It’s Time to Acknowledge the Moms in the Trenches

One of the most consistent themes was this: It still feels like Mother’s Day is about everyone else.

“Still about MIL and what she needs. Makes it a hard day.”
“MIL books a vineyard tour during my toddler’s nap. I’m pregnant.”
“Still focused on my mom/MIL, even though I’m the one in the trenches.”

Let’s be clear: you can both honor the mothers before you and make space to be honored yourself.

We need to move away from top-down expectations and toward mutual decision making. In therapy, I’m often using the word “co-create” to demonstrate what it means to bring different people together. Asking about each other’s expectations and then coming up with a plan. What works for everyone? One mom shared that she delivers gift baskets to her mom and MIL on Saturday so that Sunday can be for her. Another takes the grandmothers out for brunch the day before—and then spends the actual day recharging.

There’s also an important emotional undercurrent here: some grandmothers struggle with shifting roles. One woman shared that her MIL has never wished her a Happy Mother’s Day—four years in a row. Another said her own mother refuses to acknowledge her because “you’re not my mom.” When generational insecurity meets changing roles, it can lead to silence or dismissal.

But acknowledgement matters. And it’s time we start celebrating the mothers actively raising children right now.

2. He Still Expects You to Handle His Mom’s Gift

Another common frustration? Being expected to kinkeep for everyone—including your husband’s family.

“He assumes I’ll take care of getting his mom a Mother’s Day gift.”

Let’s call this what it is: the mental load. The planning. The remembering. The buying. The emotional labor. And when it falls entirely on one partner—usually the woman—it breeds resentment.

Today’s generation of mothers is not willing to carry it all. They are parenting intensively, working inside and outside the home, healing generational wounds, and managing the emotional pulse of the entire family. Adding, “And don’t forget to pick up a card for my mom,” to that list? It’s too much.

Many women are stepping out of the “kinkeeping” role. Not because they don’t love their in-laws but instead because they are choosing to protect their peace. While one card on Mother’s Day might seem insignificant, it’s about the accumulation of tasks from sending group chat photos, responding to plans for Sunday dinner at the in-laws, to buying gifts for every family member at Christmas.

Stepping out of kinkeeping means your partner needs to be responsible for his own family’s traditions, instead of defaulting these tasks to you. That’s his emotional labor to carry. (This will of course depend on how you have chosen to divide tasks in your partnership). And yes, that might create tension or lead to you being seen as the “difficult one.” But that label is often just a reaction to the shift in the system. You’re not being difficult—you’re being clear.

3. Husbands, It’s Not the Kids’ Job to Celebrate Their Mom—It’s Yours

So many women told me the same thing: I felt invisible.

“So unseen. He didn’t even try.”

This hits hard, because feeling invisible in your own home—especially on a day meant to celebrate you—stings deeply. And I know this feeling personally. My second Mother’s Day didn’t go the way I imagined. The first one my husband was thoughtful and intentional. But a year passed and we got busy and grew disconnected. My unspoken expectations turned into unmet needs.

The reality is this: your newborn, five year old, or ten year old will not be able to carry out a celebration. They need their other parent to do this. By him taking the lead and orchestrating meeting your needs, he is demonstrating to his children “we celebrate mom.” Each partner should ask themselves, “What do I want to teach my children about building a healthy relationship?” and “What would I want my child’s future partner to do to celebrate them?” This is the shaping we want to be doing now.

Let’s also remember this is a dynamic, so here’s your reminder: don’t wait for them to guess what you want. Be clear. Tell your partner if you want a morning alone with your book. Let them know you’d love a hand-drawn card or a brunch reservation. Clarity is not a burden—it’s the path to connection.

4. When He Makes the Day All About His Mom

One woman shared:

“My husband said we need to check with his mom to ask what she wants to do that day.”

Here’s the dilemma many men find themselves in:

Do I upset my mother to please my wife, or upset my wife to please my mother?

But when you sit in that tension and default to your mom, you are part of the problem. Marriage is about choosing your partner—emotionally, practically, relationally. And yes, your mother still matters. But your wife and children come first.

That doesn’t mean you exclude your mom. It means you prioritize your current family system. And if your mom feels disappointed, that’s okay. She’s allowed to have those feelings. But it is not her son’s job—or yours—to fix them. Adults can hold their own emotional experience without making it your responsibility.

If this is hard to navigate, ask yourself: Would I want my child to prioritize me over their own family one day? Most people in my therapy room say no.

The Bottom Line: This Isn’t About the Perfect Day. It’s About Feeling Seen

While it might be tempting to dismiss Mother’s Day as another commercialized event, what I’ve witnessed repeatedly is that this day brings up something deeper.

A longing to be acknowledged. 

A hope to feel appreciated. 

A desire to be seen in the role that often goes unseen.

As one person shared with me:

“I didn’t make a big deal of it for years and realized I grew resentful of my husband. So I told him how I felt—and while we’re healing those years, now he celebrates me.”

That’s the shift we’re making. One where women stop quietly carrying the disappointment. One where we start asking for what we need.

This Mother’s Day, let’s move beyond obligation and into intentional connection. Let’s honor the women in the trenches and build family traditions that recognize everyone’s humanity—not just the loudest voices or oldest patterns.

And if you're a mother-in-law reading this, I invite you to reflect with compassion. Your daughter-in-law is not pushing you out. She's simply trying to find her place in her family.