Have you ever found yourself repeatedly asking your partner to do something—a chore, scheduling an appointment, or simply being more present with the kids—only to feel like your words are hitting a brick wall? Over time, this repetitive cycle can leave many women feeling like a "nag," a label that brings with it frustration, resentment, and even shame.

Knowing just how common this dynamic is, and how this is a word that many people still use on their partner or themselves, I got curious with my community. Here are just some of your answers as to why you feel like a nag:

• “Because there are things he says he’ll get to, but doesn’t for like 3 weeks”
• “Constantly having to ask for help instead of them just doing the things that need doing”
• “I’m constantly reminding him, asking the questions, following up, making lists, feeling overwhelmed”
• “Because I feel like he doesn’t think it’s a big deal or as bad of a problem”
• “Partner seems caught in their own world - separate.”

If this resonates with you, I want you to know you are not alone. As a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, I’ve heard countless women share how exhausting it feels to be the constant reminder in their relationships.

You carry the mental load. You try not to become their mother. You vow to never be controlling or nitpicking like the other person you saw in your life, but here you are finding yourself either feeling like a nag, or hearing those words directly from your partner (both, by the way, are not good positions to be in.)

So why does this dynamic occur? Let’s dig into three potential reasons, followed by three of my offerings of where you can go next.

The Mental Load Trap

In many relationships, women often take on what’s known as the mental load—the invisible, never-ending to-do list of managing a household, family schedules, and emotional connections. This burden can leave you feeling solely responsible for keeping everything running smoothly. Research continues to show that women are working 90+ hours a week between paid and unpaid labor. 

When the mental load isn’t shared, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of having to remind or ask repeatedly. Over time, what starts as a gentle nudge can feel like a demand to both partners—leading to defensiveness on one side and frustration on the other. This also leads to the negative oh-so-common pattern of overfunctioner-underfunctioner that creates more distress in relationships. To learn more about this pattern, be sure to check out my first book, I Didn’t Sign Up For This.

The "Nagging" Label

The term “nag” often comes with unfair gendered assumptions. Women are labeled nags not because they’re asking for something unreasonable, but because they’re often the ones noticing what needs to be done. 

I’ve seen this in many more of my women clients compared to my men. She is socialized to be a caregiver, to orient herself towards the tasks of the family. He is socialized to play or explore, to be outside. But when those needs go unmet, the cycle of asking—then reminding—can make it feel like you're stuck in a thankless loop.

The result? 

You start to feel unheard, unappreciated, and like you’re shouldering the burden alone. This is the recipe for resentment, a toxic emotion that slowly erodes the health of your relationship.

But here’s the truth: You don’t have to carry this on your own, nor should you. This is also true even if you are the partner staying at home while your partner is working out of the home. As Neha Ruch said it on my podcast, staying home allowed her husband to work the hours that he did (listen on iTunes or anywhere). 

Below are three actionable tips to break free from the nagging cycle and foster a more collaborative relationship.

1. Shift the Focus from Reminders to Ownership

One of the biggest challenges in relationships is learning how to share responsibility rather than delegate tasks. 

Early on, I was guilty of this, not just in my own relationship but also with the couples I worked with (think, circa 2008). I would ask the couple “why don’t you make a list” or I would find myself listing out things for my husband. But this led me to this important question: When you ask your partner to do something, does it feel like it’s still your job to keep track of whether it gets done?

Instead of framing tasks as something you’re assigning, shift the focus to shared ownership. Here are some examples. 

• Instead of saying, “Can you remember to pack the kids’ lunches tomorrow?” try, “Let’s decide who’s taking care of lunches this week so we’re both clear on it.”
• Instead of saying, “Don’t forget your mother’s birthday is next week” try, “I’m going to give you full ownership of gifts for your family, and I’ll do my family.”
• Instead of saying, “You didn’t pick up the bathtub toys are the kids’ bath. Now I have to do it!” try “I’ve noticed that some tasks don’t get fully completed, and I wonder if we can talk about what it means to close a task.” (Check out my all time favorite viral reel here).

This subtle shift moves the task from your mental load to a shared agreement, making it less about reminders and more about collaboration. 

And don’t forget to talk about accountability in your relationship, because I know your partner would complete a task without being asked twice in their own workplace!

2. Get Curious About the Underlying Dynamic

Nagging is often a symptom of a deeper issue: a mismatch in priorities, repeating previous patterns, communication styles, or even values. Take a moment to reflect:

• Where did I see “nagging” or “criticizing” when I was growing up? Did I like this behavior? Do I want to keep doing it?
• Does my partner forget tasks because he/she doesn’t value them in the same way I do? Or are they overwhelmed?
• What system could we put in place to address not completing tasks?
• How can I communicate in a way that invites openness and curiosity instead of defensiveness?
• Are there underlying resentments or power imbalances that need to be addressed?

Approach these conversations with curiosity rather than criticism. You might say, “I’ve noticed I’ve been asking about [specific task] a lot, and I feel frustrated. Can we talk about what’s going on for both of us here?”

This opens the door to problem-solving together rather than assigning blame.

If your partner tends to get defensive in these kinds of conversations, be sure to check out my 10 scripts you can use to better respond to your partner next time.

3. Set Boundaries and Let Go of Perfection

It’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting everything done a certain way or on a specific timeline. But holding onto that level of control can backfire, leading to more friction.

Let me pause here to share that I am a control appreciator, recovering perfectionist, and a blamer in our dynamic! This triple combo leads me to appreciate the inner resistance when someone says, “let go…” So here a few questions I ask myself regularly that help me, and maybe can support you:

• What would happen if I let this go?
• By holding on tight to this, how does it align with the value I want to nurture right now?
• In ten years, how important will this be?

If you grew up in my home, you knew we have generations of “the correct way” to fold towels. My mother would correct me and show me how to properly do it. While this was laying the well-travelled path of my future towel frustrations, they were also moments of connection for us while we chatted about my day.

In adulthood, I couldn’t keep doing it all. My linen closet now doesn’t resemble the mother’s tidy shelves, but I no longer care about my towels. Instead, I choose to sit down with my husband (or a good book!).

Setting boundaries can also be a powerful way to protect your energy. If a task isn’t done after a reasonable amount of time, consider stepping back rather than repeating the reminder. You might say, “I trust you’ll handle this when you can,” and then focus on something else.

While it can feel uncomfortable at first, this approach shifts responsibility back to your partner and gives you space to focus on what’s most important to you. It’s also one of the most powerful steps you can do in changing the overfunctioner-underfunctioner dynamic.

Breaking Free from the Nag Narrative

The idea of being a “nag” can feel heavy, but it’s important to remember: You’re not a nag for wanting your relationship to feel balanced and connected. You’re advocating for yourself and your needs.

By shifting toward shared ownership, exploring underlying dynamics, and setting healthy boundaries, you can create a new pattern—one where you feel seen, supported, and like you’re truly part of a team.

Our goal for our relationships?

A strong relationship isn’t about keeping score or reminding each other endlessly. It’s about learning how to support one another with empathy, accountability, and care.

And that’s a vision worth working toward.

Moving Forward Together

Nagging can erode your connection, foster the negative communication cycle, and fosters resentment.  But it's one that you and your partner can overcome together. Remember, at the heart of these strategies is a deeper goal: to strengthen your connection, support one another, and nurture the love that binds you together.

Inside my relationship repair program, Be Connected, I give you the scripts to help you and your partner step out of the negative communication patterns, learn how to manage and set expectations, and step away from the frustrating cycle. 

I will teach you how to have these hard conversations without getting stuck in your negative cycle. I walk you though step-by-step how to give feedback and go back to these challenging conversations.